THE BATTLE AGAINST MYSELF:FEAR VS FINDING TRUE SELF

After graduating from undergrad, everything turned upside down.  I wasn't the girl who I used to be.  I wanted to find the truth of my comfort, being in my own skin.  I tend to look back in life with the decisions I made and how much I regret.  I am living with Decidophobia.  All my life, when god gives me the opportunities, I always had trouble choosing what would be best for me.  I always ended up choosing the wrong path and this is what I fear the most about.  I just wish there is a way out of this.  

I sit home everything thinking back about my life.  Was going to Buffalo State the right choice?  Did I study the right major.  I was not making any difference.  I resigned from my job because instantly I hear my whisper telling me to go and find something that I am more passionate of doing.  I realized that when i was doing DME, I was very happy because my brain understood the materials.  I love working around people and not by myself, isolated at a different location.  I picked up the skills quite fast and was able to handle helping out my peers.  I wasn't able to land a full time position with them because it was through a contract assignment with a temp agency.  I told myself that I needed to find some ways to get back in that field.  I really enjoy it, but how?


The past two days, I went on the internet and was job hunting.  I need money in order to survive , so i applied to full time, part times, per diem jobs.  Anything to get myself back into the work force.  At the same time,  while I was working at Xincon,  I hated my new position and my health wasn't going too well.  I was diagnosed with Nodule Thyroid.  The more I stress, the thyroid grows.  I was living in my own battle.  So the minute, I spoken up with the manager and shared the truth, she gave me all my unused vacation and I flew down to Jackson, TN to do a follow up visit to see Heather Meeks.  The fact that i realized that her supplements that she prescribed costs a grip. The supplements were taken pre morning, breakfast, pre mid noon, lunch, and dinner, so they run out fast and it is costly. I told myself I got to do something fast.


As I mentioned why i am battling against myself.  I wanted to make a difference that impact the world and can changed the lives for my family.  They worked hard in all these years.  They tried and tried to apply for the project housing. Years after years,we are so unlucky because we were put on the waiting list and still have not heard a word.  How does people do it?  My dad's nephew came to the United States and after 5 years, they got the housing.  I wondered when it will be our turn?

Talking prayer through god's ear

God,

I wanted to share good news with you.  All these years,  my prayers is finally answered.  I am in the eligibility list of having a chance of living of my dream house  However, I don't have a job at the moment and a high chance of loosing the opportunity because it does require income.  Yesterday I got so scared and I applied to 4 different jobs.  Everyday I struggled against time.What am I suppose to do? I really want my dream house and this is the best opportunity yet I don't have a job to pay rent.  Am I a loser? 

These bible reading is a feel that you're besides me. 

I was given many small whispers and I have this phobia where I have trouble concentrating and choosing the right choices.

Please give me some wisdom , courage, strength.


Did you know if I ever had an opportunity to meet my future husband, that would be great.  I was thinking long and hard.  If i had a son, I would name in Kairos.  Kairos means the right or opportune moment.


If I have a daughter,  I want to name her Peony.  Peony means healing.  I want everyday my son to 

It is a long way to go.


NYC is so competitive.

God, I have a few questions:

Where do I belong?

What do you want me to do?  I am your child and I am willing to listen to you in any way you want me to go.

Do you remember, Xincon offered free classes but I never took advantage of that opportunity.

I wish I can put my head on your shoulder and cry.  I just want a listener.

I know you have been listening to me because you answered so much of my prayers.  I want to say Thank you.

I wanted to leave all my worries to you.  Please teach me how to mediate and rest my mind.

Pray....

Struggles and Mediation of wHISPEr

“Meditate. Breathe consciously. Listen. Pay attention. Treasure every moment. Make the connection.”

― Oprah Winfrey

 

 I watched a few of Oprah's mediation videos.  I started to understand that she is right about breathing and connecting to our inner sole.  I battled with my health every day.  I wanted to learn to listen to my whispers.  Instantly I knew the whisper was spoken to me since I was a child.  I had trouble fitting in the group.  everyone else didn't have any problems learning except me.  I was isolated for one hour every weekday from the class and got more detail-orientated attention on my specific needs.   

I wanted to find alternative ways to solve the struggles i had as a child.  When i decided to leave NYC and went to school in Buffalo,  I had a few struggles with grammar and that was because i didn't have a proper grammar education. So i have decided to not allow my future children to be educated by the Board of education.   However, when i was in Buffalo,  the only troubles I had was taking classes that was taught by Ph.D professor.  Professor who carries  their master, i had no trouble.  

So I have decided to join back the psychology Dean Hope program.  I knew if i have continue to proclaim the services I recieved as a kid, I "ll know I can save myself from depression.  

NYC is  most competitive city to fight for jobs and school.  i am stick and tire of it

I BELIEVE

At this very moment, I sat in front of my computer and listening to Whitney Houston's hitting popular music- Greatest love of All.  I was singing the lyric on youtube.  I told myself that I have failed at many obstacles but I have one gift that god has shared with me is to turn around and start walking to the right path.  Michelle phan has said in one of her youtube videos that failures is actually okay because it is one step closer to where you need to walk.


Growing up my struggles is that I have a learning disability.  So everyday if I am inquire to learn something,  my brain doesn't process right away.

I BELIVE.....

Life is full miracles
There is hope
There is faith

MY TOP TRUE INSPIRING FEMALE LEADERS

In today's society,  woman has fought to come out to become strong leaders in the 21st century.  I am truly inspired to these following strong independent women who made their successful careers through media.

They worked their ass off to become who they are known to be.  I remembered watching Oprah's videos on her website and I was tearing of what she shared in one of her videos.  She truly inspired and touched my heart.  At the moment, I have been thinking and was feeling very down.  My teammate Tina and I were underpaid at this job but the co workers were quite nice to us.  I was very pissed off and came across seeing this quote on Oprah site.  Thinking back, I have noticed that people from this job did complement me because I did tried my best to be a team player and they missed and thanked me.  I gave myself a tap on the shoulders.

"You Are the Master of Your Fate

"When you do well, when you do your best, people notice." — Oprah

You know what, I dream of becoming like them one day.  I am sick n' tire of the society norm.  I worked and worked and if I don't work, I don't have an income.  When I did work, I never had an opportunity to use my money to travel to places that I always dream of going.  I love to understand the other side of the world and in college, I had the opportunity to about world religion.  I see that , Americans are so spoiled and in other countries, they don' have much but they love themselves verse how New Yorkers are so greedy to constantly take government  money.  I can't bare my eyes and see how much the other side of the world needs the money meanwhile we are wasting food from using food stamps.  

I especially love the episodes of how Oprah team gets to introduce the top religions and share it among with the world.  I cried.

This is Ellen Degeneres.  She is a talk host.  I watched her videos via Youtube. She helps people with shutter fly. I always wanted to meet her in person.  I hope she can help me with my student loans.  I do want to be debt free and start my career path by going to graduate school.

This is Judith Travis.  She is youtuber star.  She shares her daily life with the world through youtube.  I enjoyed watching how her lovely girls: Julianna, Miya,and Keira grows with the world.  She and her family constantly go to Japan , California, and Hawaii.  I was so inspired that she can bring her family together and travel. I always wanted to do that but there is no way I can afford doing that.  She's lucky and I am truly happy for her.
  I always wanted to bring my family to China as a family trip.  The last family trip we went to Canada was in 2000 but now, we can't afford because we worked out butts off to pay monthly rent and utilities bills.

Michelle Phan is another youtuber star who struggled trying to pay monthly bills by working as a waitress and at the nail salon.  She shares  and made me understand that getting turn down is an okay thing because it means  it is no the road for anyone to continue to walk.  Although I don't wear make up but I love her skin care videos.

Michelle Obama is one of the first day who gets involved with the community.  She is very different from other first lady.  I hardly see her get involve with politics although she has a law degree.  She encourages her citizens to exercise and eat N' stay healthy by moving.  We need more first lady like her.  She truly inspired  me and I got up and exercise because I love myself ,in order to stay healthy.  I wish I can give her a huge hug and say thank her myself.

Oprah Winfrey, a talk host, a master mind leader. I cried to most of her videos.  I wish I can just chat with her in person.  I would to have a friend to listen .

I found a picture of woman suffrage.  This month there is a month that came out, woman sufferagette.  Women from the past fought and suffered for todays woman to get equal rights to vote.  Look at all these successful woman in the world

This is Loni Love from the talk show- The real.  I watch the show everyday and i did some research on her. She is so real.  She even sacrificed for a co worker who was about to loose their job by resigning and saving a spot for them when she was an engineer.  What a true hero. I wish she can invite me to her show.  I want to shake her and her co host hands.

Wendy Williams.  She is so legit.  She worked her way from radio to now a talk show host.  Love youuu.

I am most proud of the fact that these are women.  They made changes to the media.

About myself

My name is ... WENDY HUANG
My favorite color is  coral
My favorite food is bimbibap


 

the love from heaven

i have many surrounding of kind and generous friends who care for me.  Their words and wisdom touched my heart especially our heavenly father who listened to my prayers and help.  This morning I wondered who am I as a person?  What is god's reason for me to be here?  I thought deeply when I look back, I was gifted to help my family with the care they needed.  Although I didn't turn out to be a doctor, lawyer, an accountant, a person who works for the government.  However, I can only do some much because god has shape me to whom I am today.

I cried and doubt myself.  My joy has been taken away and my rejoice has suddenly disappeared within a whisper to the ear.  I have realized that I am an intervert whom I can not trust expect god.  I have noticed that god has listened to my problems whenever i am in danger.  he is my best friend whom i can trust and know that wouldn't loose a doubt on me.  

I work hard each and every day to learn about myself and why god has put them to a wonderful hardworking family.  They started off with nothing except food and shelter.  My mom always taught me and Kevin that as long as we're healthy, that is all what matters to a mother of two. Money can not buy health.

Since i stop working to rest my body until my body is ready to be back in the work force.  I promised our heavenly father that I will heal my body with the help and trust from Heather.  I am sure one day i will meet the man who loves me and my family, and we will get engage n marry then start our family.  At the moment,  Iwill go along with what god's path.  


Many things are out of my control and that's okay because god is the one who is setting a path of whom I will meet in my future life and will continue to provide a shelther for my family and I.


I want to say, thank you and amen.  You are the one who will stand by my side whenver I fail apart.  


I know he will send his angels to oversea me and protect and love me and my family.


I might not be able to visilize his angels and himself, but I feel him in my presence.


 

 

I am being pressured and not knowing how to handle when things are out of my control.  I am aware that my health is the # 1 priority.  I am seeking for help and no one is helping and time is so limited.  Yesterday, out of my expected surprised,  I was given the key to open the door of my own space.  However, I was stupid to tossed out everything.  I am unemployed, no home, and a terrible health. 

I will stop thinking so negative.  If I want something, it is like war.  I have to work hard in order to get it.

Worst n

Let me share N' post this.

 Ha! I am the worst person when it comes to choosing.  I am the clueless person when it signal.  I am the blindiness person when it comes to opportunities in front of my face.  I am confused.  

 

I have a friend and her name is Julie.  Her assigned ended less than 2 weeks because god has gave her a second chance meeting her new boss in the elevator.  Now she is the happiest person on earth.  

 

For me, i was given several times to work for ACCM but i turned down offer because i wouldn't scaraficed of commuting for 2 hours.    Now I lost that chance when i am unemployed.

 

Lord,

Please guide me to road where I belong.  I need help.  I am out of sources.  I was once an optimistic person until now.  I am very torn apart.  I don't know where I fit? At a job, you are require to deliever something in order to be rewarded.  I learned my lesson.  Please guide me..

 

AMENN